Investigative Journalism: Politicians as Thomas the Tank Engine Characters

Well, I touched on this in my last post, but I might as well post the extent of the madness and malady that is my brain.

All quotes taken from the Thomas the Tank Engine wiki.

Warning: may cause hysterical hyperventilation.

ETA: In literally ridiculous news, The Financial Times picked up on this post here. I’m famous! One day people will give me a job in “satire”.

GORDON BROWN is GORDON THE BIG ENGINE: “Gordon views himself as the most important engine because he is the biggest (not including Murdoch from Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends) and he pulls the Express. Although he can be boastful, he is hard working and strong, and performs his express duties to the absolute best of his ability. He is sometimes teased by other engines, particularly the smaller ones, and has been known to have a good-natured rivalry with fellow main line engine Henry the Green Engine.”

 

DAVID CAMERON is HENRY THE GREEN ENGINE: “He went into a tunnel and refused to come out due to fears that the rain would spoil his paint.”

NICK CLEGG is THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE: “Soon, he desired to pull his own passenger train, too, much to the bemusement of the other engines. He got his chance when Henry became ill and no one could pull the passenger train. However, Thomas was so excited that he accidentally left his train and his passengers behind, believing he was pulling it easily.
He soon considered his branch line to be the most important part of the entire railway, a fact he would constantly remind the other engines. However, he continued to make mistakes and dream big, and sometimes this got him into trouble.”

GEORGE OSBORNE is JAMES THE RED ENGINE: “He hates pulling trucks, and believes that he should only be used to pull coaches. He thinks himself superior to the other engines, and can be shallow, boastful and arrogant – particularly to Edward, and those engines who appear old-fashioned, weak, slow or dirty.”

PETER MANDELSON is DIESEL: “Diesel swore a vendetta, and spread rumours that Duck had given the big engines rude nicknames. Duck was sent to Wellsworth pending an inquiry into the matter, but Diesel got too big for his boots and tried telling lies about Henry. He was found out and sent home in disgrace. Diesel is, in essence, the average pantomime villain. He is oily, malicious, devious, scheming and full of ideas to get revenge. It appears Diesel has a good side in him, but one would still have to look deep to find it. “Devious” Diesel is a devious diesel shunter.”

VINCE CABLE is EDWARD THE BLUE ENGINE: “Edward is a kind engine, who is always keen to help a friend in need. The younger engines can always rely on him to lend a listening ear and sympathetic advice. He works hard and will always do his utmost to get a job done.”

ED BALLS is TOBY THE TRACTION ENGINE: “Toby is first seen reminding the other engines that they must not let Diesel push them around. Toby is old and, at first, was teased by James for his shabby paint. He is also savvy enough to control the trucks.”

DANNY ALEXANDER is TERENCE THE TRACTOR: “He is slow but good enough – he can go anywhere, because of his caterpillar tracks. He becomes good friends with Thomas after Terence helps Thomas out of a snow drift.”

BORIS JOHNSON is BERTIE THE BUS: “He is cheerful and boisterous, and although he enjoys a good-natured rivalry with the engines, he is most usually seen helping them out, whether bringing passengers or assisting when the railway is out of action.
Bertie is continuously alluding to his race with Thomas and how he could win the next time. “

DAVID AND ED MILIBAND are DONALD AND DOUGLAS: “The Fat Controller originally only ordered one engine but was surprised when two arrived, neither with numbers or any distinguishing features – both engines were painted completely black. He could not tell which engine was which, and so decided to keep whichever one was the more useful. Donald’s twin Douglas (57647) could not stand to be separated from his brother, and was smart enough to realise he would eventually be scrapped.
Despite all this grief, the twin’s professionalism, competency, strong work ethic, and personable natures had begun to win them support.”

JOHN BERCOW IS HAROLD THE HELICOPTER: “He keeps a watchful eye over the Island in case of trouble, and speeds to the rescue of anyone in distress.
When Harold first met Percy he stated that railways were “slow and out-of-date”.”

CAROLINE LUCAS is EMILY: “Emily acts as a sisterly figure to the others. Emily is kind and friendly and always sensitive to the other engines’ feelings. If she wrongs someone, knowingly or not, she is quick to apologize. From the eighth season onwards, however, Emily can tend to get into trouble because of her fussy and bossy attitude, but she is nicer than she lets on.”

ED PICKLES is THE FAT CONTROLLER: “In the Season 8 episode “Halloween”, he is briefly shown wearing a wizard costume.”