Erotic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Pt.II

As you all enjoyed the last excerpt so much (what is WRONG with you), I thought it might be time to revisit our favourite Erotic CYOA book. If you missed the first blog, you can read it here, although I personally wouldn’t advise it.

Since the last time I blogged about it, something absolutely dreadful has happened to me. Well, I mean, a lot of dreadful things have happened to me (I ACCIDENTALLY STOLE A PINT FROM A MAN WITH NO LEGS. For example), but I am referring to one thing in particular.

Basically, I went to Hay-on-Wye, and I found this:

Image

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

I bought six.

So, for a chance to WIN your VERY OWN COPY of Alina Reyes’ Sexual Labyrinth, and experience its majesty for yourself in hardbook form, you should…. Umm…. I dunno. Let me think.

OK I KNOW. Comment underneath, and write your own pitch for a chapter that could belong in this book. One of the adventures that our sexually-bewildering protagonist might find herself in, if she opened the right door. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you can write out the whole short story, but just an idea will do. I will also accept ideas in comic or drawn form. We are all about the multimedia.

Anyway! Onto chapter 4.  It’s a shorter chapter this time, entitled The King. As usual, I apologise in advance.

I took my place in the long queue of women waiting in front of the king’s throne. He was a fat man, decked out in pompous clothes. He struck me as both unpleasant and attractive at the same time.

Ok. Right. HOW IS THIS A THING THAT YOU COULD BE. I love how her plan for ‘getting readers into the mood’ is to immediately introduce a hot, fat git of a king.

His long penis rose vertically from his diamond-embroidered pants,

I do love a snappy dresser.

 and at this very moment the first woman in line had just stuck it in her mouth; it only went part-way in. On each side of the throne were two giant hourglasses, which two valets in full livery turned over at the exact moment that the woman set to work.

She sucked the royal phallus with energy born of despair.

POSSIBLY THE BEST LINE WRITTEN IN ANYTHING EVER. The thing that I like best about this book is how relatable the scenarios are! We’ve all sucked a royal phallus with an energy born of despair before, am I right girls?

But when the sand had run out, she got up and left the room in tears. The following woman took her place immediately.

I am not really comfortable with this imagined land of female sexual debasement and fat patriachs. It reminds me too much of our actual land of female sexual debasement and fat patriarchs.

The king seemed impervious to everything that was done to him. He allowed himself to be manipulated without losing one jot of his majesty or his sang-froid.

Sang-froid: my new euphemism for spunk. “Oh, you got a jot of sang-froid on my blouse! Do be careful, dear”.
- me, in a hypothetical situation where I am for some reason some sort of WI member with a posh voice

I saw several women take their place at his member; some of them wanked him, some of them sucked him, some of them mounted him.

I’m avoiding the obvious “crown jewels” reference here. I do have some comedic standards.

But he preserved his equanimity and lost none of his substance

SANG-FROID

Or vigour and, when the sand stopped flowing, the women who had serviced him so passionately left in tears.

I asked the woman in front of me in the queue for an explanation.

Personally, I’d have done this before I watched all those girls suck off a king. But whatever; the author of this book and I are rarely of the same mind.

“He is the king of Time,” she said. “He has promised that the woman who makes him come will live for ever. But as you see, no one ever managed to get anything out of him. They cry because they have failed, like all the others. And yet, who wouldn’t give it a try?”

The answer to this question is “me”.

Soon her turn came and, in spite of her efforts, the king remained as stiff and cold as when I have first come into the room. She left in tears.

I approached the king, but stayed at a respectful distance. Even reaching out my hand I wouldn’t have been able to touch him. I remembered one of the most erotic moments I had experienced behind the doors of this little circus and I started to recount it to him, stressing certain details.

This book stresses certain of my details. And not in a good way.

NB: the “little circus” she is referring to is the “sexual labyrinth” itself, which is a series of doors you make your way through during the book. It’s basically like being trapped in a massive horror hotel, where every room turns out to be #101.

In my mind, the “erotic moment” she is describing to the king is our previous experience with the tiny little man. NAKED AS A WORM.

When the hourglass was two-thirds empty, I stopped talking.

“Well?” said the king after a moment.

“Well what, Sire?” I said ingenuously.

“Well, what happened next? How did it end?”

“Will you agree to come if I tell it to you? I promise you won’t be disappointed…”

“Very well. But get on with it…”

I continued my story, putting my heart into making it as arousing as possible. The king was panting. At the moment when I reached my conclusion

Presumably the tiny little man has just penetrated her with his entire body.

an abundant fountain of shiny white sperm shot of his member. There was a flurry of excitement in the audience. The sand finally ran out on each side of the throne.

NB. Every erotica writer ever: the word “sperm”? Not sexy.

“Will I live for ever, Sire?” I asked.

“Well… Come back tomorrow, tell me another story and we will give it some consideration.”

“But… you promised whoever…”

“You don’t argue with the king of Time,” he said in a sharp tone.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Every time I read this line, I decide to start using this phrase as a random interjection whenever anyone disagrees with me about anything. “But why don’t you want to come to the pub tonight?” “YOU DON’T ARGUE WITH THE KING OF TIME!!!”

I bowed and returned to the back of the room. “This king’s nothing but a fraud, I should have known,” I thought. And, with a shrug of the shoulders, I returned to the corridors where I opened another door.

I cannot wait to find out what’s behind the next door. My ladybits are positively drooling in anticipation.

Spoilers: what is behind the next door is a ghost. Yes, actually.

14 responses to “Erotic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Pt.II

  1. For my entry into the competition, all I can think of is a chapter title:

    “Revenge of the man with no legs.”

  2. Ooh, I’ve got one! Well, an outline anyway. If nothing else, it’ll be bad enough to warrant inclusion in the sequel…

    Our heroine walks through the next door (after the ghost, natch) and finds herself in a small, dingy office. There, sitting at a desk littered with empty coffee cups, partially-burned copies of 50 Shades of Grey, and miniature plasticine models of excited men, sits Alina Reyes. She is lit by the light from her 1998-vintage monitor, and waits expectantly.

    Not having so much as a chance to say something sexy, she is pinned down by the plasticine figures, now animated and super-randy. As they mount her various appendages like tiny horses, Reyes proceeds to read the next chapter of her book aloud. It is too terrible to repeat hear. She brandishes a large rubber dildo menacingly; like a policeman eagerly awaiting a minor offence .

    The reading finishes, and our heroine is reduced to a gibbering wreck. The author, who – for no adequately-explored reason, is now dressed as a kinky SS officer – leans over us and whispers “It’s just you, me, and this. Forever.”

    At this point, the door bursts open. The King of Time stands in the doorway, steam rising from his nether regions. “You don’t define ‘Forever’ without my permission!”, he rages, and with a deafening cry of “SANG-FROID GO!”, blasts Alina Reyes back into the labyrinth, before turning swiftly on his heels and leaving quietly and with no explanation.

    Our heroine is left alone in the room. The plasticine figures seem to have been forgotten about, and are no longer there either. She reaches slowly for the door handle, and turns it. Cracking the door open, her face is illuminated by a searchlight, and her nose is greeted by the welcoming smell of bacon…

  3. considering it’s a labyrinth, my chapter would definitely have a minotaur in, in some horrific bestial thing, where he is hung like a horse. or a bull. whatever. Oh no! what is this monster? is it going to kill me? no it’s just going to make a tiny human squirm with its massive schlong. that’s how minotaurs get their kicks…
    i’d like to note that this isn’t my own fantasy, it just belongs in this book.
    i’m sure you could make some horn/horny jokes. heck you could incorporate them in some violent, savage, doubly penetrative attack… my mind wanders to dark places sometimes…
    so yeah. there’s my suggestion. a minotaur chapter in a labyrinth book. trying to make a labyrinth/labia pun now and failing. please send me a book?
    Cat x

  4. Gary, my eyes are tearing up, you’re incredible…

  5. http://e621.net/data/60/59/605981eb1930102ff4ccb49947b5c41d.jpg?1261642082

    here is my image to accompany my suggestion, if that helps.
    omnomnom bovine phalluses, amiright, ladies?

  6. I used to laugh at this sort of stuff until I was required recently to write a sex scene in a novel type thing … I tried the alan titchmarsh et al ‘member’ enters ‘her sex’ style, before scrubbing that in favour of the sexual life of catherine m mode where a cunt is a cunt and a cock is a cock before finding the whole thing so irredeemably unsexy that I left it out completely, ending the chapter with the couple entering the bedroom … of course with 50 shades of grey selling 30 million in three days there are going to be hundreds of these eroticas pouring onto amazon, most self published on kindle download only …

  7. There should clearly be a chapter entitled “The Lilliputian conundrum”

    Clearly behind one of the doors, the lady should find herself invited to become a Member of an special club, devoted to pleasures of the flesh.

    On her willing agreement, she is magically transported to another land entirely inhabited by giants!

    Little does she know, the pleasure is clearly all to be had by the giants, and when she agreed to become a “member”, she didn’t know she would “Literally” become a member.

    The rest of the chapter comprises a cunning retread of the first chapter, but in a clever reversal of roles our heroine finds herself touching and titillating and enormous giantess absolutely everywhere,

    probably on a beach

  8. Pingback: Erotic Choose Your Own Adventure: Part III | @unfortunatalie

  9. Excellent post. Keep writing such kind of info on
    your page. Im really impressed by your blog.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about keyword.
    Regards

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