Erotic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

This weekend, I found a book at the second-hand bookstore they always have underneath the bridge on the South Bank, right outside the BFI.  It’s a treasure-trove of old pictures and weird stuff, and this book in particular is (I think) the best £2 I’ve ever spent.  It is (wait for it…) an EROTIC CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE STORY.

Obviously I bought it straight away because “erotic” and “choose-your-own-adventure” are two phrases which should DEFINITELY be used in tandem AS OFTEN as possible, if not ALWAYS.

Sadly it turns out that the CYOA element to the book doesn’t really work; all the choices are completely lacking in context (“Choose Door 2 or Door 5”) and the narrative structure is hopeless. Also there’s only actually one ending you can get. WTF, book?!  I wanted to choose my OWN adventure!  You have misrepresented yourself to me.

The book also misrepresents itself in that it is the least erotic thing I have ever read.  And I have read* Peter Mandelson/George Osborne slash fanfiction, so I know what I am talking about.

I looked on the copyright website and it reckons that if I’m quoting something for purposes of criticism then it falls under Fair Use policy, so here we go… a close reading of Chapter 1.

It was a vast sandy beach, whipped by a warm ocean wind full of iodine.

OK, so this is already a terrible beginning.  What I want from an opening line in an erotic fiction, to set the scene and make me feel all sexy or whatever, is definitely NOT a mention of IODINE.

I could hear the waves but the sea remained out of sight, closed off by a barrier of dunes. I took off my shoes and started walking towards it.

The sand beneath the soles of my feet was cool and prickly in parts because of the vegetation. But it was a delicious sensation to feel it wed itself to my muscles so perfectly, and accompany them with each of my movements, from my toes to my heels.

When I reached the crest

Already?!

I saw the immense ocean stretch out in front of me, its grey waves wrinkled with white beneath a sky overburdened with heavy clouds.  The sound of the sea was deafening.  I walked straight towards it, facing into the wind.

I wandered along the edge of the waves for a while, following their ebb and flow on the beach, playing with them by getting my feet wet and even raising my dress and getting splashed with foam right up to my thighs.

Oof. Things are getting sexy now. I think this is supposed to represent some sort of sensual landscape of woman?  And also the foam is probably jizz.

From their wet fringe I collected small pebbles, put them in my mouth and sucked them until they lost their salty taste.

This is subtle. I wonder these salty pebbles could represent?  Could it be… COJONES?

NB I had always thought this was spelt “cahonies” as I have never written it before re: why would you. But apparently it is Spanish or something.

I kept a few, as well as some shells whose shape, gloss and colour I found pleasing.

The ebbing tide uncovered a broad band of wet sand.  I knelt down facing the sea, opened my hand and deposited the small hoard I had gathered.  Then I started building a castle.

I worked on it for a long time.  I fashioned outer walls, towers, a keep, the ramparts, turrets and battlements.  I dug a deep moat around it and let it fill up with the sea water that had soaked into the sand.

THE CASTLE… OF MYSELF.

Then with my nails and fingertips I started making slits and other openings in the wall.

I guess we will just have to get used the subtlety of prose employed here.

When I had hollowed out the main gate I was amazed to see the sand continue to crumble away behind the little excavation I had just made, as if a large sand fly were carrying on with my work.  And I was absolutely astonished to see a tiny little man emerge from this same door, naked as a worm.

Right.  This is where things start getting properly weird and the first time (but by no means the last) that this book caused me to double-take.  She BUILDS A CASTLE…and inside it there is a TINY LITTLE MAN…NAKED AS A WORM.

Naked as a worm.

At this point of reading my brain started going “Oh god oh god oh god, is she going to have sex with the tiny little man, that would be completely fucked up WHAT THE HELL”.  Perhaps your brain is currently gabbling the same question at you.  Spoilers: the answer to this question is YES.

If the idea of Big-on-Small fucking is upsetting to you then I suggest you read no further.

Big Cook Little Cook

Big Cook Little Cook: Size Doesn't Matter

I must have looked like some sort of female genie to him, a supernatural giant who had emerged from some bottle washed up by the sea.  I lay down flat to be nearer his level and to observe him better. When he saw my – for him – gigantic eyes fixed on him, he crossed his hands over his miniature sex.  Then, despite the difference in size, he started to strut around and look me over in a macho little way, as if he expected me to be impressed and find him attractive.

In my head the tiny little man is basically a naked Sir Cadogen.  Is this supposed to be getting us in the mood?  I just have no idea.  ALSO WHY IS THERE A TINY LITTLE MAN ANYWAY.

I laid my hand out flat in front of him, above the moat, inviting him to climb on board.  Which he did, having gallantly bowed to kiss my finger.

His little feet pleasantly tickled my palm.  He grabbed hold of my thumb and, very gently so as not to unbalance him, I sat up in the sand.  Then I raised my hand with its precious contents to the level of my face.  He was as cute as anything.  Well-built and virile, with well-defined little muscles, his dinky little sex and his pretty, tough-guy face, fine and distinctive, ringed with greased-back hair as dark as his eyes, with their enticing, velvety, albeit slightly idiotic look.

This is definitely what I want in a lover.  Enticing, velvety, albeit slightly idiotic eyes.  HOT.

“So, doll,” he said, expanding his chest to the full, “Wotcher think?  Ever seen a body as fine…as manly as this?”

No one says “wotcher”.  NO ONE. And this is as it should be.

That’s when I noticed that his mini-cocklet was standing up proudly under my nose.  I prevented myself from bursting out laughing, so as not to annoy him and not to drop him.  I modestly lowered my eyelids and looked shocked.

My mama used to say, life is like a box of cocklets.  You never know which one you’re gonna get.

“Don’t be shy,” he said in what he thought was a reassuring tone. “Come on, take your dress off…Don’t be afraid…”

I put him down on the sand, on the other side of the moat, in case he got it into his head to run away.  For I had no intention of letting such an amusing marvel escape.

SEXY SEXY ENTRAPMENT.  I mean, who isn’t turned on by coercion?!

 Without taking my eyes off him, I got undressed in the manner of a clumsy virgin, but with the skill of a stripper,

WHAT. I can’t even imagine this.  How does one get undressed in the manner of a clumsy virgin, BUT with the skill of a stripper?  I mean, obviously you could be a virgin and a stripper at the same time, that is a thing that could happen.  But “clumsy” and “skilled” are sort of diametrically opposed.

Other things that are diametrically opposed: this book, and arousal.

in order to make him foam at the mouth even more at my – for him – colossal charms.  Then I lay on my back, closed my hand around him (in his entirety he was no bigger than the penis of an ordinary man) and placed him on my stomach.

He is the size of a penis.  I wonder where THIS is going.

On all fours he started crawling round this womanly landscape, crazy with lustful desires.  At first he climbed up to my left breast and placed himself against it, arms and legs wide trying to embrace it.  Opening his mouth wide he managed to get my boob into his mouth and he started sucking it.

NOT. PHYSICALLY. POSSIBLE.  When my boyfriend was reading this chapter (we like to get ourselves in the mood), he opened his mouth as wide as possible to demonstrate that he would not be able to fit the breast of an enormous lady into it.  I am not sure how this actually demonstrated this, but, it was definitely a thing that happened.

Boy reacts to book

At the same time I saw his little bottom undulating against my flesh and I felt his little hard rod rubbing against my breast.  Finally a large drop of sticky, warm liquid shot out against my skin.

I almost forgot the size of my partner.  Wasn’t the fact that he was a man the most important thing?

No, enormous lady protagonist apparently supposed to represent Everywoman; no it isn’t.  The most important thing here is that you are getting it on with a tiny tiny man on a beach.  Everywoman is not so sure about your life-choices, frankly.

I was now quite wet between my legs.  Thankfully he then had the good idea of venturing down there, to what was probably a real Ali Baba’s cave for him, and doing the honours.

He hung onto my hair as he descended between my spread-eagled thighs.  Then he started wiggling between my lips and right into my sheath.  He touched me and titillated me absolutely everywhere,

Again. NOT. PHYSICALLY. POSSIBLE.  Unless they were there all day, I suppose.

and his tiny limbs lent such precision to his caresses that he kept me in a state of acute pleasure.

Ok, are you ready? This is the worst bit. Hold onto your twats, people:

When he had brought me to the edge of ecstasy, he penetrated me with his whole body.  Then I came, arching back in the sand and shouting out against the noise of the sea.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO OH GOD NO MY EYES MY BRAIN THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER READ.

Also if he did this he would almost definitely die.  And then he would get stuck up there like an old tampon, and she would probably eventually die too of TSS.  In fact I think I will make this my replacement head-canon.  It makes as much sense as anything else.

The little man climbed back up my belly where he lay down, dripping wet.  We slept together, under the wind.

Awwww. I love a happy ending.

I hope you enjoyed this critical analysis.  I have an English degree.

*written

73 responses to “Erotic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

  1. This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    • What I cannot believe is that I had this book ages ago. It’s French and it’s… well the translation doesn’t do it any favours, and it was already bad to begin with. Thanks for the laugh! Now to unearth my copy…

  2. Kirsty {a safe mooring}

    Struggling to muffle my laughter at my desk. If only I had some salty pebbles I could put in my mouth.

  3. This happens in Gulliver’s Travels (ch 13), though not on a beach, and a veil is drawn after the nipples in some editions.

  4. This is amazing! Much needed light relief on the first day back at work! Can you post the cover of the book? I’m intrigued to see it!

  5. That. Was. Hott. Which WH Smith’s did you purchase this from? Is there are a series? I tried Googling ‘lilliput blowbang’ but couldn’t find anything.

  6. This story may make some people very wet… Bit only from pissing themselves with laughter!

  7. what the effing eff? is this real?? Can you scan the book cover pls. TOO FUNNY

  8. I was praying for my own TSS at most points. LOL. Loved your critical analysis. Speckles of your English degree are evident throughout. ;)

  9. Found through retweeting. As an author or erotic stories, and a human being, I have to say… WHATTHEACTUALFUCKERY?

    Brilliant analysis.

    x Jilly

  10. Hilarious! Baffling and hilarious.

  11. Looking at the lovely picture of “Boy” the book appears to be The Sexual Labyrinth by Alina Eyes: http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1250596760m/2458950.jpg

    Yours from Amazon for a penny plus postage: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/offer-listing/1857995813/ref=dp_olp_used?ie=UTF8&condition=used

    See also http://www.ebay.co.uk and similar.

    “Erotic Choose-your-own-adventure” fans will be pleased to know that there appears to be a male side of the story available as well:

    http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2458950.The_Sexual_Labyrinth

    Enjoy :)

  12. Also found through twitter: now crying with laughter. What in the actual hell. How could anyone write that without expiring of sheer improbability?

  13. Twitter brought me here and I’m not sure if I should send it a thank-you fruit basket or never tweet to it again.

  14. I’m bigger than this, I was thinking, as I wet myself laughing

  15. Rebecca Tindall

    Never read an erotic novel but if they’re anything like this book, I think I’ll be giving them a miss!

  16. Steve Cockayne

    As an idiot myself, even I could see that its, well, er, just plain daft writing and a dafter woman writing it. I have O level English BTW grade C (after retake).

  17. I also found this on Twitter – absolutely bloody hilarious!

  18. Maybe he went in feet first and kicked like a swimmer or something!

  19. What larks, eh pop?

    Well, that’s just amazing.

  20. You wrote it all yourself, didn’t you? I can tell because you forgot to put in ‘Close Door 2 or Door 5′. I was hoping to close Door 2.

  21. So am I the only one very aroused right now?

  22. Oh we are so going to talk about this on the next Sluttylemon podcast! Can anyone draw cocklets? We want one for a logo.

  23. Oh. My. God. I was reading this article thinking, ‘this seems strangely familiar’. Then as soon as I saw the picture of the book I remembered why. I bought this book when I was about 18, thinking, in much the same way as you did, that it could be, er, interesting shall we say. And even at 18 I realised that the book was totally bonkers. And yes, very un-erotic. So I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for making that rather horrific memory resurface in my mind. I had obviously suppressed it rather well.

  24. I hear Disney have bought the rights to the movie…

  25. Holy good Lord this made me happy.

  26. Oh God I enjoyed that. I also love that little bookstore.

  27. LOL! Just goes to show that bad writing is bad writing, no matter the genre.

  28. Welcome to the disturbing world of GTS (giantess) fan fiction. I can assure you there are thousands of men out there for whom you have just described the ultimate stroke-fest fantasy. Curiously, many of these men seem to live in their parents basements, but never mind all that.

    The only thing that could make this any hotter to GTS fans is the notion that it was written by an *actual female* – they all fervently hope that all us luscious, unattainable, sexy she-creatures secretly want nothing more than a living dildo, and that our first and only thought should we encounter a penis-sized male is shoving him into our panties.

    If you think this is disturbing, i suggest you also steer clear of Vor and re-birthing pr0n.

  29. Woah… I realise my kink is not your kink and all but this is bizarre and frankly not at all sexy. Plus laugh-out-loud hysterical!

  30. Awesome, just awesome. I cracked up on iodine, then my face gradually morphed into a bizarre mixture of incredulity and hilarity. Thank you, thank you.

  31. I’ve got to second Lu…from the weird opening of iodine wind, and prickly vegetation I was collapsed on the floor laughing.
    I get that we all like different things but the whole ‘He hung onto my hair as he descended between my spread-eagled thighs’ had me torn between being violently ill and dying of laughter. Congrats to the woman who wrote this – the idea that you can be paid for such crap is reassuring to us all

  32. The mini-book you have there is actually only part of the whole panorama of weird. There’s a male version too, which I have (the two stories aren’t linked) . It’s just as bizarre and large chunks of it are extremely unsexy. I will (anonymously) admit to finding small sections of it quite hot, however.

  33. LOVE. THIS.

    I have sent links to this post to just about everyone I know. Except my mum.

  34. Good analysis, I’ll let you know what I think of the book when I stop laughing. ;)

  35. This is absolutely hilarious! I think I would only buy this book as comic relief. Thank you for your analysis. :)

  36. HILLARIOUS!!! I hope you can find more books like it… makes for a fun critique, lol..

  37. I hope she held onto him because he would be very useful for cleaning the skirting boards

  38. amazing. just……amazing.

  39. Pretty impressive I see.
    Please do find some times bloggers to pass by my well thought blogs.

  40. This has made my day, thank you. It’s just so hilarious. I had an erotic version of Dracula that focused A LOT on all things bum related. Very bad.
    ps: stalky but is that a Chiltern Railways carriage?

  41. this is awesome!!!! I need to find this book so I can laugh in the privacy of my house instead of at my desk.

  42. this is a scene in almodovar’s “hable con ella”
    to disturb you permanently:

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  44. Ephemeralmonkey

    Fantastic analysis. For me this text mainly conjures Swift and Georges Battaille. But not in a good way. Where are the choices tho’?

    As a footnote, I love the book mart under the bridge: in 1982 I bought the complete works of Marinetti there, and refer to it still. Zing Zang Zum!

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  47. That was hilarious, and so, SO true. I don’t even know how to comment without swearing if I’m honest.

  48. Pingback: Sluttylemon on the c word and tiny man porn | Sluttylemon

  49. Pingback: Links From the Past Six Months or So That I’m Just Now Getting Around to Reading, Part II « Stupid Stuff

  50. I’ve written an erotic CYOA style book for kindle. From a male’s POV and pretty graphic. Check it out if you want http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008D29N2I/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=yourerotadve-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B008D29N2I

  51. OH man it’s like a sexy goosebumps for adults.

  52. Pingback: Erotic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Pt.II | @unfortunatalie

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  70. This was hilarious. I’m thinking of writing my own choose your own erotic story. Would you be interested in reading it and giving honest feedback? It will be an eBook. Right now it is just a concept. Will be a couple of months before its written.
    D.P.

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